What I am getting ready to tell you is a true story about my run-in with then Senator Jesse Helms.

I used to have a film production office in Raleigh, North Carolina - two careers ago. I had the top corner office and the exact opposite corner of the building was Senator Helms' reelection campaign HQ. I never went in, but I did walk by a few times and it was just a few people at their desks typing and making phone calls.

One day I was heading to the restroom and entered a stall. No, there were no hand gestures.

A few seconds later Jesse Helms came in - his voice was very recognizable. Jesse entered the stall next to me and took a massive, juicy, explosive dump.

Now, this should be a common tale but here is where it gets damn odd. While Jesse was evacuation his lower bowls with the robustness of a timpani drum, he was singing "What A Friend I Have In Jesus."

Mouth agape, I couldn't pry my ears away from the horror of it all. The cacophony was something to witness with the cool help of Kentucky bourbon. But unfortunately, I was stone cold sober.